Humorous Texts Harvested From the Internet

By Yuri S.

Social media is just great. You can express yourself succinctly, pull someone’s leg, or tweet something that is misinterpreted, leading to smiles. Thanks to the invention of screenshots, we were able to capture these priceless treasures to lighten your day.

The writer may have chosen the wrong words or been in a hurry. They could just as well use shortcuts and abbreviations. Someone may deliberately troll the other party. Others are gauche, and it shows in the words and the messaging. Here is a curated collection of hilarious text exchanges you can find on the internet.

What’s in a Name?

This dad was in a hurry to get his message across about a new family arrival and resorted to minimalism, not realizing that the recipient could misinterpret his message.

Source: Tumblr

At first glance of the message, you might think, “How could he even think of naming his boy ‘tomorrow?’” So did his message’s recipient, who came back with a message that said, “Tomorrow’s a stupid name for a baby.” How about Today? Call a rose by any other name.

Ouch! That Really Hurts!

No, it is not someone physically getting a whacking by another. This is about a guy who wanted to find out how much a girl loved him. Her reply shows she hit him right in the heart. IM

Source: Twitter

There’s diplomacy and tact in the reply she gave him, but he had to press his luck. The one-word response must surely have floored him and taken the wind out of his sails. Better luck with the next gal! Or, maybe she was just having fun and really loved him.

No Lullabies or Bedtime Stories for Kids

Those days are long gone when parents sing lullabies or read bedtime stories to get the kids to sleep. A struggling aunt asks the mother of the 4-year-old child left in her care if it would be alright for her to let him watch “Game of Thrones.” You’ll never guess what the reply was that the mom gave!

Source: Reddit

“Game of Thrones” has plenty of action, but the mom didn’t want her child to miss the show for that reason. She just didn’t want him to miss the start of the series. Moms are improving with time.

Dwayne Johnson Does Not Know He Has a Twin Named Rock

If you get a chance to pull someone’s leg, don’t miss it for anything in the world. In this funny exchange, Dwayne Johnson stars as the guy who has an identical twin named Rock. Would you believe it?

Source: Imgur

Some people must be living under a rock (excuse the pun) to be so gullible. Becky swallowed the bit about twins hook, line, and sinker, and the other guy must have been laughing his ass off. Oh well, Johnson could be partly to blame. After all, he has had a long career, first as a wrestler and then as a movie star.

Uber Eats Delivery Man Uber Alles

If what this Uber Eats delivery guy says is true, then you can expect Uber to switch to helicopters to deliver food before it gets cold. Oh no, he was just kidding.

Source: Imgur

It must have panned out well. The girl got her food, and the Uber Eats guy completed the delivery with more to go. Obviously, the girl was a little pissed off. Would you be? Most of us would take it in stride, and the girl must have too.

How to Impress a Lady

One can’t say the man didn’t try, and so what if he wasn’t successful in his attempt. Which mother would want to loan her child to some guy so that he could impress a woman?

Source: Tumblr

What if the mom had agreed to loan her daughter out and tag along, introducing herself to the woman as the man’s wife? Would the other lady have been impressed?

Heartlessness in the Face of a Breakup

Everyone knows that if you laugh, the world laughs with you, but if you cry, you cry alone. This guy showed absolute heartlessness for a woman who was weeping her heart out over a breakup.

Source: Imgur

Break-ups happen all the time, and it’s natural for a woman to cry. That doesn’t mean he should have made a cruel comment, even though it’s understandable he was annoyed with her for crying loudly and for so long.

Sheer Inventive Genius

The sum of the whole is better than its parts. However, a creative genius decided that parts of a face could be converted to emojis, and he chose Steve Harvey of “Family Feud” fame for salami-slicing.

Source: Twitter

One must hand it to the maker of this emoji for showing brilliant creativity. He probably has a career ahead as a graphic artist.

God is on the Intercom…What Next?

A couple of drinks inside you can work in strange ways. Here is this guy who once shopped in Wal-Mart and announced that God was on the intercom. One may assume that he was filled with the holy spirit.

Source: Tumblr

Tristan took it in good strides, and hopefully, he won’t repeat the blunder the next time he visits Wal-Mart or any public place. God might just speak to him on the smartphone or maybe a video call. That would be something to see!

Chatting With Patience

Oh, dear dear, it is so annoying when the person at the other end of the chat keeps interrupting and never lets you finish typing your long message. Frustrating, no? Keep your cool; the other guy could be just a harmless troll.

Source: Reddit

Perhaps this is an object lesson for everyone to keep it short, sweet, and simple, or go off the other end and break up those long messages into a few staccato bursts of text.

My Name is Trinity…Oops, it’s Tomorrow

What dad would want to name their son Tomorrow? No one, not even Hollywood celebs would care to pick a name like that. Although, there is a Hollywood film called “My name is Trinity,” which sort of sounds a bit more reasonable. Apparently, Dylan misunderstood the message or was just poking fun at Dad.

Source: Tumblr

Seriously, if this really becomes a trend, then the next thing is that boys will be named Covid, and girls will be named Corona.

One Direction Band Becomes One Dimention – According To Nana

In this great age of social media, grandmas are leaving an indelible mark on the social media mountain face. They wish to appear savvy, and what’s wrong if they get the name of a pop band wrong?

Source: Pinterest

For a moment, you do a double-take. One Dimention? Have you ever even heard of a band with that name?

How to Be a Good Neighbor by Ryan

Ryan is back again, apparently showing some concern for his heartbroken neighbor, but guess what his real intention is? There are guys like him in this world, but would you want such a neighbor?

Source: Pinterest

Ryan Neighbor takes the cake. You got to hand it to that guy. First, he tells her that her BF would not have left her if she hadn’t cried so much. Then, under the garb of being solicitous, he wants to borrow money just so he can grab something to eat.

Color-Coding Relationships – You Are Gonna Feel Blue

Words communicate. Emojis do as well. Color can also be telling. You can say it without using words and perhaps soften the blow. Blue is cool, and red is hot as far as relationships go.

Source: Twitter

Maybe colors can be interpreted in differently , but there is no ambiguity once you use words to define what each color stands for. At least the person answering the question was crystal clear about their position.

Should Medical Professionals Turn to Google to Find Answers to Problems?

This exchange clearly shows that for a given medical condition, it’s easy to find answers on Google quickly. This lab tech sent a message intended for a doctor to the wrong person, but that person took the trouble to search for an answer and respond, even though she wasn’t a medical professional.

Source: Imgur

The medical expert took three hours to figure out the solution, but they must be careful. God help us if they all started using Google for a diagnosis.

Allah, Help Us With the Allah Carte Menu

French may be a deterring language for many, but there’s no reason to mix up a menu item with Allah. I wonder what Allah would think about this?

Source: Twitter

The funny thing is that the chap got both words wrong. A-la- was rechristened to Allah, and carte became cart. Happy shopping and better luck at restaurants where they have only table d’hote.

Try to Be a Helpful Neighbor, and This Is What You Get

It is good to be well-intentioned, and those who like to be helpful often receive thanks. But that doesn’t always happen, as this little exchange shows.

Source: Pinterest

Maybe Checkers’ owner had full confidence in the cat, or he was just as mean and nasty as his cat. The helpful neighbor surely doesn’t deserve this reply. It takes all kinds to make this world.

One More Reason to Stay Sober and Keep Your Nose in Place

Drink too much, and it can do things to your mind, like the guy having a conversation with the lamp post or this little exchange between two friends. Clearly, it’s fun to take advantage of those who have crossed the line.

Source: Reddit

This conversation raises interesting possibilities. What if the drunk had tried to cut off his nose and chew on it?

Aunts Can Go Nuclear and Give off Harmful Radiation

Mom might have a good reason not to invite someone for Thanksgiving, even if it’s her sister. But that appears unbelievable to the mom’s daughter. Read the reason why this mom decided not to invite Aunt Barbara.

Source: Imgur

Apparently, Aunt Barbara radiates far too much energy beyond what the mom can take, and it makes sense to keep her away from the Thanksgiving table.

To Say or Not to Say “Bless You” When Someone Sneezes

One doesn’t know where or when this tradition originated, but it’s customary for people to say “Bless You” when someone sneezes. Curious to know what happens if you don’t say these two supposedly miraculous words? Read on to find out.

Source: Twitter

Was the boyfriend making a mountain out of a molehill? Probably. Let us hope the “Bless You” thing hasn’t become a big issue for the boy who lets bygones be bygones and for whom everything is hunky-dory.

This Is What Solidarity Looks Like

Missy has got to be pretty nasty to generate this kind of solidarity in a family. Kids sure make up their minds and close ranks when they have something in common: a shared dislike of Missy.

Source: Pinterest

Maybe Missy and her mum will change their attitude in order to be more likable, and she’ll get invited to the next sleepover. Or maybe not. She might just decide not to have anything to do with Alexa.

You Can’t, I Can, So Go Away, and Lemme Sleep

It is late at night. You don’t feel sleepy and hope your best friend will keep you company…At least for the chat. You hope!

Source: Imgur

The message is loud and clear. If you cannot fall asleep, there is no reason why you should not let others sleep and dream or just have some peace and quiet.

Moms Have a One-Track Mind When It Comes to Daughters … Or, So It Seems

Moms become suspicious when their daughters spend a lot of time on their phones. If the daughter’s face lights up while watching the screen, it’s not light reflected from the screen, but something she saw. Mom feels obliged to ask the reason. The reason will floor you.

Source: Twitter

The daughter’s face lit up because she saw something tasty being prepared. The mom thought she was chatting with her BF and had to ask. Maybe she shouldn’t have.

Watching “Parks and Recreation” Might Be the Most Important Thing to Do in Life

At least for the present. This is what the guy was doing when someone thought it fit to ask what he was up to. Naturally, the guy told the truth.

Source: Reddit

“Parks and Recreation” may have had a low rating, but it was a watch-worthy series. One cannot fault this guy for being so engrossed in the show that he missed the meaning of the question.

Ask and Ye Shall Receive…Something Hot

Chatting can be fun. It can become spicy and hot but not in the way you think it will be, as is evident from this little snippet.

Source: Twitter

Persistence doesn’t always pay. He asked for a hot of “U” and got a flaming “U” in return. An admirable riposte if ever there was one.

A Picture Does Not Say It All

So, when a tenant complained to the landlord about “hot water being broken,” it was only natural that the landlord should ask for a photo. However, the picture wasn’t as convincing as it should have been.

Source: Reddit

The tenant may have tried his best, but the photo was not quite convincing enough. Don’t be surprised if the landlord does not respond to the complaint.

Stuck in a Groove Playing the Same Track Over and Over Again

One man’s food is another’s poison, and it aptly applies to music. What you love might be absolutely irritating to another, particularly if you keep playing the same track over and over again.

Source: Pinterest

Apparently, the recipient of the complaint wasn’t considerate enough to at least temporarily suspend playing that bit of music. It is a free country, is it not?

Daughter Bugs Autocorrect, Dad Is Flummoxed

This cheeky and naughty daughter was annoyed that her father even dared to use the word “Kewl,” so she reset the autocorrect setting. The result was hilarious. Her father may have felt differently, though.

Source: Twitter

To add insult to injury, the daughter trolled him a bit more and then posted this chat on Twitter. The lesson for dads is not to let your daughters have access to your phones.

Gotcha This Time!

Chloe apparently got one back on her neighbor by getting his car towed away and then sending him a condolence message. There are times when you thoroughly enjoy doing things like that.

Source: Pinterest

Is Chloe spiteful, or did she take that step after suffering for God knows how many days? One will never know, but she sure managed to get one back and in style.

The Best Way to Hassle an Ex Is to Feed Them Curry Noodles

The question remains, was she drunk when she texted her ex-boyfriend, or is there hope at the end of the tunnel? Drinking makes you lose your inhibitions, even if it is only the ex-boyfriend involved.

Source: Imgur

Maybe the ex just didn’t understand what she was yammering about or didn’t care, so he just said OK and added xxx for good measure. Did that sober her up? Doubtful.

It Is a Hot, Hot Dog, No Not the One You Eat

Say it with pictures is what this dog does best, and that’s a good thing considering he’s so cute and adorable. The only fly in the ointment is that the guy at the other end can’t distinguish between a dog and a cat or responded the way he did quite deliberately.

Source: Reddit

Why didn’t he just send a picture of himself in return? The dog would send a return “woof” in appreciation.

If You Want Just a Nod, This Is What You Get

Melissa apparently doesn’t believe in extended social interaction with people she particularly doesn’t much care for, so she sent out this elaborate text.

Source: Pinterest

The target wasn’t fazed. In fact, he came right back with a nod and raised a finger as well. Now take that, you snooty girl.

So You Think You Can Dictate Terms to Me, Huh?

If you want a favor, it’s best to request it, not issue a command. If you do, this is the response you’re likely to get.

Source: Tumblr

Maybe it would have been better for the person throwing the party to have just remained silent. After all, people aren’t killjoys and won’t barge into your party.

A Case When a Picture Can Be Convincing More Than Words

It isn’t unusual that some residential property owners will forbid their tenants to have pets, and understandably so. Pets can be a nuisance at times. But, this darling cat used her good looks to charm the landlord to make an exception.

Source: Twitter

The picture may have been photoshopped a bit, but the cat does look lovable. Maybe the next time around, if your advances are rejected, you could try sending a photo similar to this.

Hey Mom, It’s Me, Gracie

Mom was certainly surprised when she got a message out of the blue inviting her to go to IHOP to enjoy free pancakes. Maybe she was too hasty in sending out a reply.

Source: Twitter

Does the message show a hidden desire in the mom? Maybe she would have agreed if it hadn’t been a free dinner. Luckily for her, it turned out that the sender was her daughter Gracie. Maybe she went out after all and had those pancakes with Gracie.

Serious Fun Late Night Vacuuming

Sometimes people take you literally, as this message shows. The person who asked the question about “seriously vacuuming at 1.40 AM” took it literally and replied with a twist, which naturally resulted in a temperature rise.

Source: Pinterest

Thankfully the person doing the vacuum cleaning well past midnight injected a bit of humor. No doubt, the other person didn’t appreciate it. You wouldn’t either if you had to be up at 6 in the morning.

Guy’s On a Roll; He’s Bringing Chili

This guy is so excited about the potluck and even more so about the chili he’s taking along that he just doesn’t care that he has messaged the wrong person. He is on a chili roll.

Source: Twitter

One might just as well shut up and wait for Saturday and for the chili to come along with the guy.

WTF Has a New Meaning: Well, That’s Fantastic

People of the older generation should be careful about how they use current abbreviations. It could give the wrong impression and be misinterpreted. Unless you ask what is meant by WTF, which is what this mother used to express her happiness when her kid announced he obtained an outstanding grade in Chemistry.

Source: Reddit

These days WTF could just as well be used for “Well That’s Fantastic” instead of what it actually stands for in common parlance. On second thought, let’s ignore it. That could lead to a lot more confusion.

Cats in a New Avatar: Wrestlers?

Hope never dies in the human heart. People have long given up the idea of getting their cats to do anything, but this intrepid person hopes the cat learns how to protect its owner by learning how to wrestle by watching wrestle mania.

Source: Twitter

What if the cat really learned wrestling and then attacked its owner? Happily, that will never happen: cats will not learn what they do not wish to learn.

Smart Way to Avoid Having a Chat

It looks like this Dad is quite familiar smartphone features, such as an “autoresponder” and the “Do Not Disturb” mode. When set to “Do Not Disturb,” the phone will block incoming calls and send out a custom message. This dad set his response message to “In a Meeting” with unpredictable and confusing results.

Source: Pinterest

The number of times the message repeats could be a bit confusing. Maybe it was because the caller redialed. He got to know the truth when he texted his Dad and received a contradictory reply.

There Is No Cure for Doubts

It is there right in her face that her messages are going through because the recipient responded, yet, she expresses her doubts.

Source: Tumblr

It would be interesting to speculate on the answer she received to her question. Maybe her child would explain it patiently as a parent explains to a child, or maybe the child would get exasperated.

A Casual Query or a Serious Call for Help – You Never Know with Parents

Maybe this Mom just wanted to know if a text message could be sent to 911, just in case she needed to do so in the future. She probably had no idea that her message would set off alarm bells ringing in the mind of her child.

Source: Imgur

Happily, it turned out that the Mom just wanted to know about the available options but did not phrase her query properly.

Insensitive Mom or Wishful Dreaming, Hoping It Will Come True?

What do you make of this brief text exchange in which a mom had a dream and doesn’t hesitate to tell it like it is? Maybe she’s insensitive to her daughter’s plight, or maybe she wishes the dream would come true.

Source: Pinterest

Clearly, the response she gets is an indicator that at least the daughter wishes to have a bunch of friends. Hopefully, she will go on to make more friends.

Where Is the Spacebar?

Gifting a modern gadget to your old-fashioned mums can have some quirky and unexpected results, as this text exchange shows.

Source: Pinterest

The anxious wait for a reply ends with the mum asking where the spacebar is. Predictably, the text she sent didn’t have spaces between the words. Just goes to show you that if you gift a high-tech gadget, please give a small lesson on how to use it.

No Need to Be Frantic With Worry..You Left Your Phone at Home

Cell phones are indispensable, yet most people don’t give much thought to whether they have it with them, whether they lost it or left home without it. So, what does this dad do? He calls his kid from another phone just to make sure.

Source: Tumblr

Relief all around since the phone was at home and wasn’t lost or stolen. Dad ought to be more mindful.

Shoring Up the Spirits, the Mom Way

Moms get it into their heads to shore up the spirits of their daughters. They do it in unexpected ways and with unexpected messages, such as this one that may not have been too well received.

Source: Pinterest

The daughter took it in the right spirits, presumably, knowing just how much her mother loved her. She knew mom was trying to cheer her up.

A Kick in the Pants Is What You Need, Son

Moms can be gentle, persuasive, cajoling, and caring. They can also get tough and give you a kick in the pants to get you off your backside to do something.

Source: Tumblr

A word to the wise is sufficient, they say. So the word “loser” might hopefully have galvanized the son into action.

Dad, I Trust You to Do Anything, Even Get Rid of a Moth

Daughters know how to twist their dads around their little fingers. This little daughter thought she could do just that—get him to get rid of a moth outside the bathroom door when she could have simply opened a window and shooed it away. Dad has a sense of humor here.

Source: Reddit

Like all dads, he must have rallied around and advised her to be brave and shoo the moth away.

I Give Up, No Use Explaining Things to Moms

Mothers who get smartphones eventually fall in love with these delightful gadgets and use them to take pictures to share with their kids. But, sometimes things get to a point where the child simply says: I give up.

Source: Tumblr

Looks like the kid realized it was no use teaching his mom and simply accepted that the view was great. How many times do you really get to see a close-up of your mom’s finger?

Say Hi to Nuggets

A crafty kid manipulated mom’s phone keyboard so that it showed Nugget when she typed Hi. Mom, understandably, went into a tailspin.

Source: Imgur

Emily must have been laughing like mad that her mother was perplexed. What if she had substituted Damn for Hi?

Cereals Are Better Than Boys—Any Time oOf The Day or Night

Do girls prefer cereal to boys? This girl’s response to the question says it all—about girls, about boys, and above all, about cereals. Cereals are just plain delicious munchy stuff.

Source: Imgur

We would have loved to watch the guy’s face when he read the girl’s response. Serves him right. He should know girls better, especially when talking about cereal. After all, they grew up with cereal, right?

Chat at Cross Purposes – Green Beans Become Victims

This is a fine example of chatting at cross purposes. One happily texts away about green beans and the store where they are sold, and the other fires off questions without getting answers. Talk about being on different wavelengths.

Source: Imgur

No doubt, if the conversation had continued in this vein, we might also have seen questions starting with ‘Why’ and ‘How.’ Lead on green bean buyers.

Word Swap Prank Does a Boomerang on the Prankster

The prankster swapped his mom’s phone, not realizing that it would backfire on him. Happily for him, he reversed the swap and got the message across.

Source: Imgur

The prankster could well have used a worse word substitution with predictably disastrous results. Thankfully, this exchange brings a smile to your face.

Wordle Texting for Grandma With Her New iPhone

This is absolutely mystifying. Grandma gets a new iPhone and starts texting. What she finally manages to send out could be the result of Scrabble or Wordle, or maybe the first word that came into her mind. Grandmothers’ minds work in mysterious ways.

Source: Imgur

It’s good to have such an understanding and supportive grandson. Cheers Grandma! As Grandson says, practice makes perfect. Keep at it.

An Ode to Oreole, the Cereal That Went Missing for Some Time

Oreole cereal is back, much to the satisfaction of confirmed addicts. However, this is from a time when it was missing, and missing plays a key part in this chat exchange.

Source: Tumblr

The guy misses Sierra, and Sierra misses Oreole, making for the case of a classic love triangle. Oreole started producing cereal again, so the girl must have eventually been reunited with her love. But, what happened to the guy who missed her?

Chickens Come Home to Roost

Well…er…not quite. It appears from the jumbled mix in this message that Mom’s mind is in two places — about cooking chicken for dinner and experimenting with avocado. She naturally expects her children to read her mind. A word to the unwise kids, however, is not sufficient.

Source: Twitter

Instead of helping his mom with good advice on how to make chicken or where to buy it, the bonehead kid dashed her hopes with a terse reply. What else can you expect of this generation?

Be Warned, Drinks Can Turn You Into a Split Personality

It is commonly known that you see two of everything once you are dead drunk. This lady, however, develops a split personality, preparing an imaginary lunch for herself for the next day. One way to pamper yourself!

Source: Imgur

One must commiserate with the poor girl who was too far gone to translate thoughts to actions, but the next morning, it might well be a different thing. I hope she’s in good enough condition to make a real lunch.

In the Heat of the Night…Fried Fish Fillets

Trust dad to be innovative and inventive. This dad thought of a different thing to do well past midnight, and what he did could be tempting enough…lightly fried fish fillets.

Source: Reddit

As they say, 1.45 in the AM may not be the best time for a late-night dinner, but who on earth can resist lightly fried fish fillets? It’s enough to make the son jump out of his bed and to the dinner table. Pronto!

Putting Down Someone for Their Name

Honestly, people could be a bit more sensitive about names. It’s no reason on Earth to put down a person for their name. There are a million topics if you have to joke around, but this person clearly didn’t wish to exercise their brain beyond a bit of malice.

Source: Imgur

But then, people with names that lead to such gaffes invariably have heard something like this before so that they can handle it with great composure. It would have been interesting to know what her comeback quip was.

Need Inspiration for What?

What on earth does the guy need inspiration for when the love of his life wishes him good night and retires to bed? The photo he got must have been quite inspirational and a proper put-down.

Source: Imgur

There are times when you must not disturb a girl, and one of those times is when she is feeling so sleepy that she is just not into you or your romanticism. This picture amplifies her thoughts.

I Did Not Mean It That Way

A comma makes a world of difference in what you want to say and what the receiving party understands, as this snippet clearly shows. The guy is forgiven because, as he puts it, he is high.

Source: Imgur

If you are high enough, you’re likely to misinterpret the concern shown by a friend and, in responding, forget to put the comma in the right place.

One Good Thing Leads to Another

In this case, it’s likely the girl liked the guy enough to chat him up but was unprepared for the response, which turned out to be the photo of a dog, probably belonging to the guy she was chatting up.

Source: Imgur

Man’s best friend is the dog, so the girl has herself a good deal—a good guy and a good dog also in the bargain. Won’t they have a lovely time together? I mean the girl and the guy, not the dog.

An Idle Mind Is the Devil’s Workshop

There is good reason to keep your kids busy with one thing or another, or they will come up with devilish pranks, like changing all the words they can think of to just one word: nyoom. This then ensues:

Source: Imgur

The kid clearly needs to go out and play or take up a hobby. If not, the next thing you know, he will turn into a hacker.

Don’t Get Ideas… I Only Want the History Notes

”Thing” is an umbrella term. It could mean anything, depending on the context of your thoughts. So, before you jump with joy that someone asked for the thing from you, read this:

Source: Imgur

The “thing” can be a great deflator of your ego once the opposite party clarifies what it really stands for. Sometimes it’s best just to ask and be specific.

When You Are Doing Something Murky, Best Use an Alias, Not The Real Name

This customer is quite specific in his instructions to his dealer about saving his name. But then again, dealers are used to dealing with quirky people. Otherwise, why would they be dealers?

Source: Twitter

John Doe would have been quite appropriate. After all, it is the most common name used for people whose identity you don’t wish to reveal. Or maybe Jane Doe.

When The Truth Is a Lie Or The Other Way Around

Whoever designed this shoe deserves more than a pat on the back for ingenuity. The design raises quintessential questions about truth and lying being one and the same. Is this a horseshoe.

Source: Tumblr

If you call it a horseshoe, you are speaking the truth and lying at the same time because the horseshoe, as we know it, is something else ogether. No wonder this shoe design didn’t gain traction. Hi-yo, Silver away!

Not That Image When I Am Out, Alone, and It Is Midnight

Human contact is comforting, even via text messages, when you’re out and alone at midnight, and you’re in the middle of nowhere. You would expect something that cheers you up, not this:

Source: Imgur

It certainly isn’t like something from “The Nightmare on Elm Street,” so the guy ought not to have been so spooked. But maybe he has jelly in his bones. Some other guy would have sent him a photo of Freddy Krueger.

Tale of a Bodice, Corsage, and Croissant…French is Tough Language to Swallow

Lepski, the detective in one of James Hadley Chase’s novels, regularly mispronounces and misspells the French word denouement as donooant. Maybe Americans should stick to the good old American language, which is American English.

Source: Pinterest

Forgiveness is indicated since the date taking out the girl for the prom evidently wants to please her and offers to buy her a croissant. Sophie should have taken both—the croissant and the corsage.

With Apologies to Post Malone, the Rapper

It isn’t known if Post Malone would approve of the use of his name as a hint for “Home Alone” and Macaulay Culkins, but it’s good enough to make you chuckle:

Source: Imgur

If we continue in this vein, we could use Post Restante to connect to Post Mortem. One thing leads to another. Oh well, anyway, Macaulay Culkins is sure to be pleased that people still remember him and his movie.

O Come All Ye Faithful, Loyal, And Subservient

That is what the cat is likely to sing when he leads his flock of loyal cat lovers up the catnip path and wants more cat servers.

Source: Imgur

What was the other cat thinking? We will never know. The Egyptians did have Bastet, the feline Goddess, and apparently, this one is her avatar.

Sheer Genius – Gatorade Rice, The Paella of Modern Kids

The Spanish would do a double flip. The Chinese would wonder, and the Japanese would be horrified at this apparent ill-treatment of the venerated rice. Gatorade and rice are simply a no-no, but not to this sheer genius kid, who mixed both and came up with a champagne fusion dish.

Source: Twitter

Next thing we know that genius is likely to put Gatorade into milk for instant double energy. Gatorade caviar, anyone?

Drunken Blackout Memory Can Be a Good Thing

If you are dead drunk beyond redemption, the best thing to do is to keep quiet about it afterward. Otherwise, this is what happens:

Source: Tumblr

Now, we’re hoping that the dollar margarita night will turn into dollar margarita weekends. If getting dead drunk were so cheap, we might want to do it every night. Or maybe not.

The Sum of Parts Is Greater Than the Whole…A Whole New Biometric Game

If you ask someone to identify themselves, and they do, it is likely to result in a lot of head-scratching.

Source: Twitter

This is the latest, best, and craziest way to identify yourself online: in kit form or completely knocked down (CKD) form. Let the other chap figure it out and put the pieces of the puzzle together.

Breaking Up Is Never Easy

Abba sang that, but it was way back in the prehistoric times when smartphones existed in the realms of science fiction. Breaking up is easy these days when you have smartphones.

Source: Imgur

That should teach you not to rush headlong into Tinder dates and think you have found your soulmate. You could find someone who is opinionated and a bonehead to boot.

French Is Bad…Wait Til You Try Tongue-Twisting German

Americans ought to stick to American English and call a bagel a bagel or a roll a roll, not a cwasong. If not, Ma Foi in French could well be interpreted to mean Ma fwa, or worse, Mafia. Just look at this gibberish:

Source: Twitter

On second thought, this could be a Korean version of the French delicacy. After all, they do have “song” in their names, don’t they? According to Wikipedia, Songs make up 1.4% of the Korean population, but we have yet to come across a Cwa Song.

If a Drunk Is Excessively Supportive, Be Suspicious

Those who have had too much to drink react in different ways. But, if they show full support, be suspicious, especially if you’re supporting them. They might ask for a couple of more drinks.

Source: Twitter

The person who sent the message about having caught a Snorlax may have had second thoughts after the responses she received. Weird? Or Caring? Or was the drunk fishing for more drinks?

He Wants to Sell a Car; The Other Guy Wants To Make Friends

If you plaster a big sticker with your phone number on your car announcing that it’s for sale, expect to get messages that might not relate to buying the car.

Source: Imgur

No man is an island, at least not when driving a car or when in a sea of traffic. Not when some guy like this affixes his phone number on the rear of his car. He may or may not succeed in selling the car, but he sure will make cyber friends.

When Knowing Too Much Is Not That Good of a Thing

Temperature rises above 100 degrees can indicate that you’re down with a fever, but the smart-ass kid thought otherwise, as this quip shows:

Source: Imgur

By the way, the normal body temperature of cats is 100 degrees, so would one presume to say that they are all pregnant all the time? Yikes!

A House Is Not a Home; It Is a Hotel

Dads have to be quite restrained and extremely polite with their kids, to the point of having to resort to ironic sarcasm, as this dad of Harley so nicely proves.

Source: Imgur

Are you kids listening? Dads care and would like to have you around the house as a kid, not as a stranger who just drops in occasionally. Harley’s dad deserves brownie points.